Welcome to Joy Lab!: [00:00:00] Welcome to the Joy Lab podcast, where we help you uncover and foster your most joyful self. Your hosts, Dr. Henry Emmons and Dr. Aimee Prasek, bring you the ideal mix of soulful and scientifically sound tools to spark your joy, even when it feels dark. When you're ready to experiment with more joy, combine this podcast with the full Joy Lab program over at JoyLab.coach.
Henry: Hello, I'm Henry Emmons.
Aimee: And I'm Aimee Prasek. So welcome to Joy Lab. Here at Joy Lab, we infuse science with soul to help you uncover joy. To do that, we focus on building the elements of joy. Those are the positive emotions and inner states that become the building blocks for a joyful life. So the element for this episode is inspiration.
And we're talking about the myths of change. It's a perfect follow up to last episode where we busted the myth that we [00:01:00] need to be fixed, uh, that we're broken in some way. So you can head back there if you haven't listened to that yet. And now we're kind of digging into this even more with this idea that to feel happy, to feel comfortable with ourselves, that something needs to be changed.
We might think that we need to change, but we also, and sometimes more often think that somebody else or something else needs to change for us to be happy. Are we nodding? I'm nodding. So we'll explore more of that direction I think in this episode. You know, we may think we need a different job. We might think our spouse is the cause of our pain and needs to change, our kids, our income, our weight, our coworker, whatever.
It's this rejection of what is and believing that happiness is just on the other side of those things. And that is not to dismiss things. A living wage or a sense of safety as big [00:02:00] predictors of wellbeing. This myth goes beyond that really, because we're rejecting our own innate ability to tap into our joy and resilience.
We're, you know, leaving it up, all of it up to circumstances outside of ourselves.
Henry: Yeah. Yes, in cognitive behavioral therapy, which is another the pillars for Joy Lab, one of the really common thought distortions is called the fallacy of change, and that is the belief that our own happiness does not come from ourselves.
It depends on other people. So if I'm not happy, the only way to get what I want is to change those around me. Now I've tried that, I really have, and it hasn't worked out all that well.
Aimee: Same! I've tried it too.[00:03:00] I think we've all tried it. And we try again and again, it's funny, it's, it takes, uh, it takes a lot of lessons, a lot of repetition. But I think the most obvious research to consider here is related to locus of control. So this is the idea that we may feel that the outcomes of our actions are based on what we do, which would be an internal orientation or internal locus of control.
Or we may feel that, um, the way we feel is based on circumstances outside of our control, which would be an external orientation or external locus of control. And this locus of control is a continuum, we talked about those continuums in last episode as well. Um, so we'll move between these extremes at times, but hopefully find ourselves sort of hovering in the middle and shifting toward one or the other when it's contextually appropriate.
Now overall, those with an internal locus of control do better. [00:04:00] It's like a broad statement, I know, but generally they're healthier, they're more productive, and are more likely to create positive change in their lives. And we're talking about something like happiness or life satisfaction, having an internal locus of control is essential.
We can't outsource our joy. I'll give an example from one of my favorite movies, ACE Ventura Pet Detective. Truly! Ray Finkle blamed Dan Marino for holding the football wrong, causing him to miss a final field goal attempt that would have won his team the Super Bowl. And Finkle saw this event as in his past as the sole reason why his life was in shambles and his wellbeing became dependent on changing this unchangeable thing.
There is so much wisdom in Jim Carey movies. That is the first truth I would like to point out. [00:05:00] Um, the second is that this fallacy of change or myth of change as we're calling it, I think we all have it, right? It's very common. We all have a little or big Dan Marino in our lives, someone or something who we think held the football wrong on us and caused a series of negative outcomes.
It's true. Like just let's do a Dan Marino meditation. I don't know. Dan Marino this again, this is a fictional movie. He's probably a great guy.
Henry: There really was a Dan Marino.
Aimee: I knew. I know that. I just don't know anything about him. He's probably wonderful. Didn't cause any of my pain, but this fictional Dan Marino in our lives, and they may have done that.
Somebody may have held the football wrong on you. But if we hold out our happiness based on those external circumstances, based on the myth that if we change that external thing, then everything will fix itself in our [00:06:00] lives, then we will probably wait forever. Because even if we somehow change that thing or that person, our wellbeing is now, our happiness is now dependent on it to stay the way we want it, to not change again in any other way.
And that dependency is just setting us up for disappointment because nothing stays the same, not even Dan Marino.
Henry: So I love the Ace Venture, uh, reference, Aimee.
Aimee: Tell me you've seen the movie, Henry.
Henry: I have seen it.
Aimee: Oh, thank goodness.
Henry: Yeah. You're so good at learning things from TV shows and movies, man. So Aimee, I'd like your take on this. A while ago I came across this study. How you really can change other people.
Aimee: Hmm.
Henry: It just isn't in the way that we usually try to do it. But you know, most of us still [00:07:00] think that if we just tell somebody that what they're doing is wrong, they will change.
Aimee: Right.
Henry: So, you know, like you go to the doctor and your cholesterol is high and the doctor says, you need to give up fried foods butter cream in your coffee. Now the doctor's not wrong. but what are the chances you're going to actually do that?
Aimee: I'd probably do that. Yeah.
Henry: Well, okay, Aimee, it was a rhetorical question. didn't mean you specifically, cuz as I think about it, you shared with us recently that you gave up drinking your beloved Manhattans just because your doctor told you to. So you're not maybe the best example for Back to that study,
Aimee: Yeah.
Henry: What they found was that if you wanna change your spouse's behavior, just as an example, don't criticize them or make helpful [00:08:00] suggestions. In fact, when they do something that you don't like, just simply ignore it. Don't say a thing.
Aimee: Hmm.
Henry: But then as soon as they do something that's closer to what you want them to do, then you say something positive about it. You know, you praise them, or, or if that's just simply too obvious, you tell 'em you appreciate it when they do X, Y, or Z. So are, are you familiar with this concept, Aimee? And if that really does work, do you think
Aimee: Hmm.
Henry: it makes you any happier if that person then changes their behavior?
Aimee: Right... First, on the note that I'd reduce or give up fried fruit foods, cream, butter. You noted some things that are easy for me to do and that I find fun, like playing with my food. Love it. Um, that's an example of how the fastest path to change is one that's enjoyable. Doesn't mean it's easy, but [00:09:00] you've got all the fuel you need when there's like a unique and positive relationship with the path and the outcome.
Uh, there'll be setbacks or whatever, but you'll likely get there. So that was a, that was a unique opportunity for me to be like, yeah, of course I'd do it. Gimme something else and it'll be a little bit different. Um, but okay. Now that's what's kind of happening in the study you noted though, I think it's an example of " spotlighting the right."
Is a term that's sometimes used. It's just another way to sweeten the path to change, to build up the person's beliefs about their behavior, uh, their abilities, their impact. I think that study also illustrates one basic truth in behavior change research, which is that facts or information rarely matter.
They are not good drivers for change. And that's why all of the reliable behavior change models focus on factors related to bolstering [00:10:00] up resources, boosting self-efficacy, supporting skills, shifting attitudes in more positive directions. It's all about building up. There's no model to improve behavior change
that relies on just giving folks the facts. Those are PR campaigns, those are pretty easy. Um, those models also don't include nagging or even scaring, like fear mongering. Those are actually really ineffective strategies to create lasting change. So to the other part of your question, can we be happier if the other person changes their behavior?
Um, I think happiness is fleeting like any other emotion. Um, certainly we can, as we talked about last episode as well, and as we talk about here, we can self-generate these positive emotions, but if our happiness is anchored on someone else's behaviors, then it's even more [00:11:00] fleeting. And this is also coming back to our internal locus of control, right?
So we're not dependent on someone else's behaviors or moods to dictate our own inner state. I think that's a powerful and more peaceful place to come back to.
Henry: So, one of the myths we're busting is the idea that we need to change others in order to be happy.
Aimee: Yeah.
Henry: We just can't do that very well, and even if we could, probably doesn't really make us that much happier. Not in a lasting way, at least.
Aimee: Right.
Henry: Another myth is that we'll only be happy if we change ourselves. We usually think we should change ourselves, in fact, because there is something wrong with us. So we really got into that last week when we made the case, strongly I hope, that you don't need to be fixed. [00:12:00] We really believe that. You don't need to be fixed. That doesn't mean that we shouldn't ever try to change ourselves.
You know, we could all probably do better, for example, with self care and we'd be healthier for it, but nothing takes the air out of inspiration faster than beating up on ourselves. Guilt, shame, fear. These are simply not good motivators for change. It doesn't work when we try to use those on other people. So why would it work to use them on ourselves?
Aimee: Yes, a hundred percent. There's some interesting research here too, with eye tracking and how when we elicit more positive thoughts, which is really the work we do in the Joy Lab program, um, then our visual field expands. It's kind of amazing actually. It's as if this more positive [00:13:00] state literally creates more space for us to work with, to tap into our creativity, inspiration, possibility.
We can see ourselves moving forward in that broader space with more confidence. And it's probably not surprising than that the others you named Henry, guilt, shame, fear; they narrow our visual field. Our world gets smaller. I mean, it's, it's a stress response that's great when you need it to focus and react quickly, run, hide, like just got, gimme three options max.
But, when it comes to behavior change, These things might cause us to take a first action, like fear might help us take that first action, but that shrinking, that constriction keeps us too rigid to create a lasting habit. These types of perceived motivators can also create a pretty substantial downward [00:14:00] spiral, um, and are associated with learned helplessness.
I mean, just think of it, all right, so we beat ourselves up with self-defeating talk to start our New Year's resolution, working out or something. We tell ourselves that we're fat or ugly, just these terrible things. So we get out there and exercise with that energy of threat, do this thing or else. And then we miss a day or life happens.
We're tired one day cuz we're human. So we sleep in and we miss a workout. And that rigidity fires up and that same self-destructive language we started the behavior with surges in. So then we surrender to the thoughts because they've defeated us rather than supported us. So we say, who cares? Why even try?
And then we quit and we feel even worse, and the downward spiral continues. So there was nothing there to support us to build up [00:15:00] our resources in a way that could nurture the change when the water got choppy.
Henry: Right. There are a couple of other myths that are worth mentioning before we close. And one is the belief that change is hard.
Aimee: Hmm.
Henry: And another is that it's going to take a long time. Now, sometimes I think that we reinforce these ideas in the world of mental health. It almost seems as if there is something secret about good mental health.
You know, that it's, it's rare or it's hard to obtain. It's almost mystical in a way. Mysterious. I, I often hear somebody say, for example, I am going to need to be in therapy for a long. Or there's this belief that, [00:16:00] you know, the problem lies in one's personality, which is
Aimee: Hmm.
Henry: never going to change. Now, I'm not saying that there is no truth to any of this or that there's no value in long term psychotherapy, for example, there, there definitely can be. But there is a real paradox here, I think, because it is possible to make a genuine change in just a moment. For example, just think of a time when maybe you'd been holding some resentment or holding a grudge against someone, and then something happened and you just suddenly forgave them and you opened yourself up.
Maybe you gave them a hug or something. You can open yourself up in just a second, and when you do, everything inside just feels so different. It's like this breath of fresh air just
Aimee: Yeah.
Henry: comes in you in an instant.
Aimee: Hmm
Henry: You know, if [00:17:00] you, if you really buy the teachings of mindfulness, it is only in this moment that change is possible. It's not in the future, it's not in the past, it is in this moment that you're in right now. That's the power of now that Ekhart Tolle wrote a whole book about. So this is a paradox because I think both things have truth to them. Yes, it can be hard to change. And yet it can be pretty simple. Yes, it can take a long time to change, and yet it can happen in just a moment. So, why is it so hard to change? There's this aspect about being human that's called resistance, and it's pretty strong and pretty universal.
Aimee: Yeah.
Henry: And I think we're gonna [00:18:00] get into that lot more deeply in the next episode.
Aimee: Yeah. There is more to dig in there. Yeah, we'll do that next episode and offer some great principles as well to help us overcome these myths, these obstacles, and create nourishing change.
Um, there's this dialogue that Victor Frankel wrote about in one of his books, really comes back to what you're saying, uh, Henry when you're speaking about that paradox.
He was sort of having a practitioner patient dialogue here. So, I'll link it in the show notes, I'm gonna take some liberties here, as I often do, because I think we can have this conversation with ourselves. It highlights this path, the obstacles, along with this truth that we are not broken and that all of us have so much wisdom and possibility within us.
Here it is:
[00:19:00] We ask, "What is going on with me?"
Our wisdom responds: "Don't brood over yourself. Isn't there a goal beckoning you? Say an artistic assignment?"
We reply: "But this inner turmoil!"
Our wisdom responds: "Don't watch your inner turmoil, but turn your gaze to what is waiting for you. What counts is not what lurks in the depths, but what waits in the future, waits to be actualized by you."
We reply: "But what is the origin of my trouble?"
Our wisdom responds: "Don't focus on questions like this. These can be dealt with, with help. Therefore, don't be concerned with the strange feelings haunting you. Ignore them. Don't watch them. Don't fight them. Imagine there are about a dozen great things, works which wait to be created by you. And there is no one who could achieve [00:20:00] and accomplish it but you, no one could replace you in this assignment. They will be your creations and if you don't create them, they will remain uncreated forever."
Thanks for joining us!: Thank you for listening to the Joy Lab podcast. If you enjoy today's show, visit JoyLab.coach to learn more about the full Joy Lab program. Be sure to rate and review us wherever you listen to your favorite podcasts.
